


Nyctophilia

by Canadian_Kpop



Series: Philias and Phobias [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, M/M, Short Chapters, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, basically this story is very dark, other members are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 07:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 57
Words: 16,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23847142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canadian_Kpop/pseuds/Canadian_Kpop
Summary: (Originally posted on Wattpad a couple years ago but I'm deleting my old account and still want to finish the series I was creating so I'm re-posting it here with some edits here and there.)-Nyctophilla: An attraction to darkness or night; finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness.-My mind was the darkest place of all but you came in and changed it, before ruining it all over again.-
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Series: Philias and Phobias [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1718401
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In case you didn't read the tags, I will say this again. This story is very dark and will have drug use, reference to depressive thoughts and suicide. If any of those topic will bother you, please do not read this.
> 
> When this was posted on wattpad there was a picture at the beginning that had the words said that the end of chapter but I can't figure out how to input them so enjoy without the pictures (they aren't that important aside from the fact the one sentence was the inspiration for each chapter).

**_I'm writing this because I need you to understand my side of this._ **

_**My life is one sad thing after another and I understand that no one wants to hear it, not even you.** _

**_I'll save you the drama of my past and just explain the impact you had on my life, okay?_ **

**_Let's start at the beginning._ **

One day you came to me, asking me to open up.

Oh Felix, you innocent child.

People don't just open up when you ask. That's not how to works.

Maybe if you keep pestering me to open up I eventually will.

However I doubt you'll be around long enough for that.

That's just how my life works.

In the midst of my thoughts I heard Jeongin complaining about his parents divorce.

It made me scoff.

Everyone looked at me, either confused or horrified, so I decided to say on thoughts on life and love.

_"This is a modern fairytale. No happy endings."_


	2. Chapter 2

It took you months for me to even say more than five words to you.

Why did you keep trying?

By the end of that school year, I decided I should at least tell you something.

Give you something for all your efforts to get me to talk.

I told you to follow me to my car, surprised when you happily agreed.

I let a cigarette and sat in driver's seat, pondering what exactly I should say.

You asked why I smoked but I just shook my head.

That was a whole other conversation.

Thought maybe I'd save that for another time.

What was I thanking?

That I was graduating in two days time and I'll never seen this kid again.

That's when I decided what I'd say to the blonde Aussie boy sitting in car.

_"Everyone leaves."_


	3. Chapter 3

You asked question after question after question after that.

Eventually you realized that I was done talking.

Those two words were all you could get out of me in that moment.

We sat in silence for a long time after that.

Long enough for me to finish one cigarette and start another.

As I did, you got brave. You decided to ask the question again. For the second time you asked why I smoked.

This time I didn't just shake me head but I was still silent. I just sat, staring at the burning paper and tobacco in between my fingers.

For the first time I really thought about why I did it. I found an answer but I didn't tell you what it was.

I told you something that was simpler to say.

_"We all have our reasons."_


	4. Chapter 4

You asked to go somewhere, anywhere. I liked that idea but still it was hard to agree.

This was the longest I've spent with someone of my own free will in a long time.

I asked if there was anywhere special but you told me to just drive. I agreed, seeing as I did this as a past time anyway.

On the drive, you got brave again. You asked if anything had happened.

I assumed it was referring to people leaving.

I nodded before adding a many, to say many things caused people to leave.

You were quite again.

I think you realized I'd only answer one question every few minutes.

During our silence I thought about the event that started everything.

Sadness flowed through my body as I thought of the single thing that still bothered me about what happened.

You must have noticed my inner turmoil because you placed a hand on my thigh, squeezing slightly.

I usually got annoyed by people touching me but your touch was always different. You touch comforted me and it scared me because I knew I couldn't have your touch forever.

However, at the time I thought I could have you long enough to tell you the thing that still haunted me at night.

_"Nobody asked me if I was okay."_


	5. Chapter 5

You didn't asked me what happened. Why someone should have asked me if I okay.

No, instead you asked me if I was okay now.

I fought so hard in that moment not to cry.

You must have noticed because you suggested pulling over.

I said nothing and just kept driving.

I needed to keep driving.

Driving was the only thing keeping my mind from going to the really dark places.

When I eyes became to filled with water I had no choice but to pull over.

The second I saw it, I knew it was perfect.

There was a trail just off the road we were driving on and I pulled in.

I think you assumed I was going to get out as soon as the car stopped but I didn't.

I stayed put and let the tears fall from my eyes.

Most people would have started asking question but you stayed quiet.

It's like you knew I'd start talking when I was ready, that you didn't need to say anything.

Felix, how did you know this?

Were you learning all these things about me while you were trying to get me to open up over this past year?

I still don't know how you learned about me so quickly but it made me open right up.

_"I'm always running away from someone or something. But I've never gotten anywhere."_


	6. Chapter 6

I did feel bad for causing so much smoke around you but I couldn't take it anymore.

I reached for package of cigarettes and lit the third one since I started being in your company.

You asked to walk the trail and I agreed. Not wanting you to inhale more second hand smoke for me. I'd hate to see you get hurt because of me. I'm not worth it.

We walked slowly down the trail.

I focused on the inhale and exhale of the toxins I was filling my body with. Trying to stop my mind from going places it couldn't easily get back from.

I noticed that you were watching my cigarette too.

I'm sure you wanted a better answer than the one you got earlier in our time together that day.

I still wasn't ready to talk about why so when I got annoyed enough with your staring, I gave you another lie.

_"I like anything that's bad for me."_


	7. Chapter 7

You laughed a bit at that.

It was music to my ears. I love your laugh but I knew it'd be rare for you to laugh because of me.

I wanted to remember that sound for forever though. I still remember it Felix.

Do you happen to remember my laugh? I know you've heard it, surprisingly multiple times. You're one of the few people still alive that have.

However, it wasn't at that moment that you heard it. It was after you asked if you were bad for me that I laughed.

It was more of a short, quiet chuckle but I know you heard it and it was the closet thing to a real laugh I'd done since I was a child.

I laughed because you meant it as a joke but it was true. You were bad for me. You still are but in that moment I could have never guessed just how bad you were.

I sighed and smiled a small bit as I realized that I grabbed the wrong packet of cigarettes and that what I just smoked wasn't just tobacco.

You asked me what it was and I just looked at you, the small smile still on my face.

_"Nothing matters anymore."_


	8. Chapter 8

You seemed a little confused on my sudden mood change.

I played with the cigarette bud that was in my hand and you gasped, finally understanding where my smile was coming from.

You asked if I was high and I just continued smiling. Not sure how you'd take me doing something illegal in your presence. You said I should have shared but I knew you were only joking.

You barely even drank because you knew you were underage. You wouldn't dare do something illegal like smoking weed.

I think that moment was my favourite of all from that night. I just sat on the grass, my mind free of all bad thoughts, and you sat beside me.

We were silent and I just stared at the dark tree line, enjoying the fact the sun was finally setting.

You broke that happy moment though. With more of your questions.

**"Are you happy?"**

_"No"_


	9. Chapter 9

I think you weren't sure exactly what to ask at that point.

Maybe you were just afraid that if you asked to quickly you wouldn't get an answer. I never managed to figure out your logic behind your question asking.

Whatever it was, it worked because at the point, anytime you asked a question, I'd be prepared to answer.

I knew it was getting late and that I should get you home. Your parents were probably worrying. I hear that's a thing parents do.

What's it like Felix? Having parents?

I hear people complain about their parents all the time and it makes me mad. At least you people have something to go home to that isn't rats. Not the pet kind either.

I was curious if you were okay with me driving high but I didn't dare ask. Just in case the thought hadn't crossed your mind.

You were always curious towards my feelings at any given moment, weren't you Felix?

I realized that when your next question was if I was sad. I thought about it for awhile.

I had been sad before I smoked my joint but how did I feel after? I knew I wasn't happy but I couldn't figure out what emotion it was that I felt.

In the end, I decided on something that probably wasn't true.

_"I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything."_


	10. Chapter 10

We were silent again for a while.

In my haze of being high, I laid down and placed my head in your lap. I don't know why I did. I think I just felt so comfortable with you in that moment.

You'd think that would be my fondest memory of that night but it's not. That was moment things changed and changed for the worse.

That moment it changed from just two people being together to something more than that. I don't think you could have considered us friends then but we were definitely going towards that title in that moment.

You ran your hair through my hair and I could tell you were nervous. I still remember how your hand was slightly shaking. As if you were anxious. You were probably nervous that I'd run away but while high, I didn't care at all.

You seemed reluctant but you still mentioned that it was getting late. I knew that meant you needed to go home.

I got up and we walked in silence back to my car. However I kept walking and you asked where I was going but I didn't answer.

I kept walking.

I walked all the way into the middle of the road.

I heard you start yelling something about being careful but you soon stopped when you realized there was not a single car on the road.

There was no sound and I continued to stand in the middle of the road while you stood at the side. I sighed, a smile still on my face.

_"Can you hear the silence?"_


	11. Chapter 11

You didn't answer my question. You probably didn't know what to say.

You just repeated that it was getting late. I accepted that we needed to leave so I left the road and headed back to my car.

It was once we were in my car that you realized something I had realized a while ago.

You asked if I was okay to drive. I assured you I could drive just fine, despite being high. You seemed like you didn't like the idea but there wasn't much you could do at that point.

You told me where you lived and we drove in silence for awhile. I paid little attention to you and just watched the road and the sky that was darkening.

You started to talk but it was jumbled, like you couldn't figure out how to word what you wanted to say. I knew from your name that you weren't originally from Korea but this made me realize that you obviously hadn't spent much time in this country.

Eventually, you managed to find words for what you wanted to ask. You asked if my parents were around.

I could tell this wasn't the exact way you wanted to asked question but it worked and the question made me think.

On one hand, they weren't. I lived alone. On the other hand, I wasn't completely out of contact with my parents.

I thought of the simplest way to explain it to you.

_"They say 'I love you' but they leave me alone."_


	12. Chapter 12

I was going to leave it at that but I decided to add that my mother was an ass.

It surprised me that I did. For years I've only ever said the bare minimum to people but now I was adding unnecessary information in the conversation.

How did you get me so open in one night Felix? I always knew things were different with you but you tore down walls I had spend years building and reinforcing in a matter of hours.

The rest of the ride to your house was quite but I could tell you were thinking about something. I'd really like to know what was going on in your head Felix.

Maybe after you read all this you'll tell me your side. Who am I kidding? You'll never read this. I don't even know where you are.

I pulled in front of your house. It wasn't anything fancy. It was old but well kept.

You looked at me and laughed when we made eye contact.

I asked what it was and you shook your head, still laughing, before sighing.

You told me you thought of something your grandfather said to you all the time.

**"So young, yet so damaged..."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so no one's confused (although it's probably unlikely anyone is) the bold text means someone other than Changbin is talking (in this case, Felix). It will comes up again so I figured I should mention it.


	13. Chapter 13

You left my car after that and I sat there for awhile before leaving.

What you said made me think. What happened to you to make you damaged?

You're a happy smiling sun Felix, the total opposite of me, and I'd consider myself to be damaged so how can you be damaged and still so happy?

The entire way back to my apartment I thought of you. I was so curious about what had happened to you.

It wasn't until I pulled into my parking space at my apartment building that I realized what I was doing.

I told myself to stop as I got out of my car and made my way into my building. However, as I was going up the stairs, my thoughts lingered back to you.

I didn't even take my shoes or coat off when I got home. I just walk straight out onto my balcony.

We're technically allowed to smoke inside the apartments but it was a nice night out and fresh air always helped to clear my head. Plus, the darkest of the sky was always nice sight to look at.

I sat and smoked while I thought about you and what we had talked about earlier.

Thinking about what had happened made me want to cry again.

_"Ugh, those feelings again."_


	14. Chapter 14

I didn't see again for a while after that night.

It was the summer and I had a job, I assumed you also had a job, and most of ours friends were busy with jobs.

I remember it had been almost two weeks since the night we spent together when an unknown number started calling me.

It was almost midnight so I assumed it was a wrong number so I just let it ring. However, the same number called again.

I picked it up that time, saying hello in an annoyed tone. You responded happily, despite my rudeness, and told me you got my number from Chan.

I asked why you called and why you were doing it so late.

You explained to me that you had wanted to call for awhile, hoping to hang out again, but couldn't bring yourself to do it. You also told me that you decided to do it now because you needed someone to talk to.

I was silent for awhile. Just like with face-to-face conversations, I hadn't had many long phone conversations. Overall, I'm was just bad at having conversations. I still am, really.

Eventually I asked if something was wrong.

You said you were lonely before pausing and adding you felt a little depressed. You then said you didn't want to say why and I accepted that. You asked what I was doing.

I told you I was trying to sleep. It was a lie because I didn't want to tell you the truth. The truth was that I was staying awake to smoke and stare at the darkness of the sky.

You laughed, asked if the emphasis was on trying, and I laughed as well before agreeing.

You asked how trying to sleep was going.

I sighed and thought for a bit before I answered.

_"Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart."_


	15. Chapter 15

Late night phone calls became a new thing for us. It was always you calling me though.

I'm sorry for that. Some nights I wanted to call you but I would talk myself out of it before I could unlock my phone.

I believed you wouldn't want to talk to me if I called. You'd be to busy or annoyed that I didn't check first or some other stupid reason.

I told myself you'd feel that way even though I didn't because you had a life and friends that you actually hung out with.

I'm not saying Chan didn't try to get me out of my apartment, I'm saying he was rarely successful.

I'm getting off topic.

One night I had been wanting to call you. I could feel my mind going to a dark place but it was three in the morning and I couldn't bring myself to call you.

At three thirty that night, or morning I guess, you called me.

I picked up and didn't even say hello, I just asked why you were awake so late.

I realized right after I said it, I was starting to care about you. I didn't want you to be up late. I wanted you to have a proper nights sleep. I was truly caring about you.

You said you couldn't sleep and I just hummed. You started talking about your grandfather but I was barely listening.

My owns thoughts had full control of my brain.

You must have noticed my silence because I remember what pulled me out of my thoughts.

**"You seem so quiet."**

_"Sorry, my thoughts are killing me..."_


	16. Chapter 16

After that night you started calling me more. I think it was almost every night.

I remember that if there was a night you didn't call, I'd get scared. All my worry would disappear when you'd call the next night and apologize multiple times for not calling.

I knew how attached I was getting to you and my brain kept telling me to cut contact with you but I couldn't.

Your voice comforted me at night and quite often I'd so easily fall asleep to the sound of you rambling on about something in your still slightly broken Korean.

You were always asking how I was doing or feeling. I often wondered if you were scared I'd hurt myself or something.

Please know Felix, I never hurt myself when we're talking and I never will in the future. Doing something like that would be giving in to my demons and admitting defeat. I don't plan on doing that anytime soon. The point of me writing this to you is not a suicide note. Sorry if I scared you up to this point.

Anyway, I always answered with alright, okay, or fine. Those were all lies. I was never any of those things. I like the nighttime but in all honesty, nighttime is the worst time for me. When I try to sleep I have nothing to occupy my mind with so it wonders to the dark places.

One time when you asked how I was doing and I said fine and for the first time you asked if that was true. I was quiet because I didn't know what to say. No one had ever questioned it before.

You sighed and asked why I was lying about my feelings. I again didn't say anything and you again sighed.

We were both quiet for awhile. In the end I decided to share some life advice with you.

_"The biggest lies are those that you tell yourself."_


	17. Chapter 17

I think you understood that me saying I was fine was me lying to myself more than lying to you because you were quiet.

After awhile you asked me to stop lying. You asked me to open up and tell me how I really felt.

I was silent. I had never discussed my feelings with anyone in years. I had also been lying to myself about how I really felt for the same number of years.

As I expressed this to you I found myself crying. I knew I was messed up and needed to do something about it but I couldn't. I didn't have the resources or money to deal with my problems.

You told me I should talk about it. That talking about would help me.

I tried Felix. I tried so many times to tell you what happened but I never could. I don't know if I ever will. Maybe while writing this I can drop hints about what happened and you can fill in the holes for yourself and understand what happened.

In the end though, I was able to explain some of my emotions to you.

_"I'm just so fucking empty sometimes and it's so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time."_


	18. Chapter 18

You asked if we could meet again. You wanted to meet that night.

It was late and I had no clue where we could go or how you would get there. I didn't want to agree.

You asked if I could drive to your house and pick you up. Before I could ask how you'd leave without anyone noticing you said you were an expert at escaping through your window.

At the moment I didn't question it but later I realized something. You hadn't even been in the country a year (yes, I asked around and learned you had come to Korea at the beginning of the school year) but you were already an expert at escaping your window?

I knew you weren't lying because when I pulled up to your house and texted I was there, I watched you perfectly exit the window. How many times had you sneaked out of your house Felix and why? What were you running away from? What are you still running away from?

I started driving once you were in my car and you asked where we were going. I told you my place and I still remember just how excited you looked when I said that. I guess you thought being in my apartment meant we were at least friends.

I know that's what I thought. I thought of us as friends from that moment on.

At the time you were the second friend to ever enter my apartment. Chan was the only other person who had ever been in there. Although I considered Jisung and I to be friends, I had never allowed him to enter my apartment. I never wanted Chan in there either but he always forced his way in.

When we made it I told you it was dirty and messy but you said you didn't mind. Once we were inside I dragged you out to my balcony.

Then you said something that surprised me. You asked if I had more weed.

I stared at you for a long time and eventually you said something that I'll never forget because you sounded so broken.

**"I want to forget."**


	19. Chapter 19

I didn't want to say yes but I couldn't lie to you and say I didn't have any. I said yes before going to get my package of joints.

When I came back, I asked if you had smoked anything before. You shook your head and were staring at the floor. I figured I couldn't stop you if you were determined to smoke so I explained to you the proper way to do it. If you were going to do it, I wanted you to be safe.

You seemed nervous so I also explained an simpler way that most beginners did. You seemed a bit more at ease with that explanation.

I knew you smoking a whole joint yourself would be bad so I said I'd share it with you. After I said that you had a small smile on your face. I figured that you were thinking about the fact we'd be indirectly kissing but I pushed that fact as far out of my brain as possible.

I lit the joint and inhaled the chemicals. I passed it to you as I exhaled. I told you to go slow and you listened, only breathing in a small amount.

When you breathed out I was happy you weren't coughing. I was worried you'd choke on the smoke.

As we continued to smoke you would inhale a little more each time and you did end up in a couching fit a few times but you kept assuring me you were fine.

You said you didn't feel any different. I told you to stand up and move. You did and I could see by your face that you felt it.

When you sat back down you tried to take the joint from me but I stopped you. You pouted and I remember thinking that you were the cutest thing of the planet in that moment. I told you you'd had enough and I could tell you were unhappy about this but you didn't say anything.

I figured I should ask you about what was happening. I knew you wouldn't answer what you wanted to forget about so I decided to ask why you wanted to forget.

Unlike me, you didn't think about the question. You answered it right away.

**"The more I thought, the more I felt like crying."**


	20. Chapter 20

It was quiet for awhile until I finally found the courage to ask you if you wanted to talk about it.

You only shrugged and then the silence returned. I told myself I was waiting to see if you would answer but in reality I had no clue what to say.

You were always so bright and happy Felix. Seeing you the way you were that night made me rethink everything. I realized that you weren't that bright and happy person and for some reason (that I didn't understand at the time) you were letting me see the true you.

Thinking about it now I think it was because I opened up to you and let you see some of the real parts of me. Even if it wasn't much, I think you understood it was the most anyone had seen and it was as much as I could have shown you at the time.

Maybe that's why you wanted me to open up to you. It was so that you'd feel safe enough to open up to me.

After it was quiet for awhile I asked where the bright and happy Felix went and you sighed.

**"It's all an illusion."**


	21. Chapter 21

You asked if we could not talk about it. I said okay and then you smiled. I was confused at first and then remember that you were high as a kite and it made sense.

After that we talked about random things for awhile. You were rambling about your grandfather again. I figured you must be staying with your grandfather while you're in Korea. I assumed your parents were still where ever it was you came from.

I really wanted to know where it was you came from but I couldn't have asked anyone at the time. I had already asked Chan how long you'd been in Korea about a week before. I knew if I asked to many questions to close together Chan would question things.

It's not that I didn't want people to know I was hanging out with you. It was the fact that Chan would tease me until the end of time for making a friendship that wasn't forced by him. Even my relationship with him was forced by him. I think you can understand why telling him about you and I being friends would be a bad idea. You know how Chan can be.

Somewhere during the conversation you asked if I lived alone. I nodded and you pouted again before saying I must be lonely. I simply shrugged before speaking, taking into account what you had said previously.

_"We live alone, we die alone. Everything else is just an illusion."_


	22. Chapter 22

After while I could see that you were falling asleep. I told you to go inside and sleep on the couch.

You agreed and headed inside. I followed behind you, found a blanket and gave it to you before heading to my own bed.

I laid in bed for awhile before there was a knock on the door. I looked over and saw you standing in the doorway, the blanket completely wrapped around you, including your head. I stared at you and remember thinking you were the most adorable thing on the planet because you were pouting again.

You said you couldn't sleep and asked to sleep with me. I only had a single bed so I knew you coming into my bed would be bad but I couldn't say no.

I nodded my head and climbed into my bed, putting your head on my chest and wrapping your arms around me. I was shocked at first soon relax and let my arms wrap around you as well.

I could feel my heart beating as if it was trying to escape my chest but I tried my best to ignore it and the fact you were probably able to feel it as well.

Did you feel my heart beat that night Felix?

I felt yours. It felt just as strong and fast as my own. I blame it on the weed and maybe it was. I really hope it wasn't Felix or maybe I do. I'm not sure which would make all of this easier.

After awhile you started to talk. You told me that you used to be happy and bright all the time without trying. You told me you wished you could become that person again but you didn't think you could.

I laughed and you asked why I was doing that. I told you that I thought of song lyrics that I thought fit you.

I thought of them because I simply thought you were depressed. However, it's possible that's not the case. Thinking about it, the lyrics don't fit you at all Felix. They fit me more but that isn't the point. At the time I thought they fit you.

You asked me to tell you. Although they were English lyrics I tried my best to pronounce everything correctly for you.

_"You lost a part of your existence in the war against yourself."_


	23. Chapter 23

We were in the same position when we woke up the next morning. I woke up first and was hesitant to move.

I much as I hate to admit it, sleeping with you like that was really nice Felix. Honestly, that night I had the best sleep I had in many. many years. Possibly my whole life.

I've always had nightmares but they become worse after what happened. That was the first night of my life I didn't remember having a nightmare. I'm sure it had happened before, as a child but it was defiantly the first time it had happened since at least the age of 8.

I tired to move my arm that your head was resting on because it had become completely numb. Sadly, in the process, I woke you up.

I apologized but you just stared at me, looking confused, like you didn't understand me. I asked you what was wrong but you didn't answer.

You looked towards the window and asked if it was actually morning. You asked if it was a dream.

I answered your questions before asking mine again.

You smiled before telling me everything was perfect. You must have been able to tell I was confused because you explained to me that this was the first night you hadn't had a nightmare since the accident.

I had no clue what you meant by the accident but you seemed sad when you said it and somehow I could tell you didn't want to discuss it.

I suggested we should get out of bed. I had seen the time earlier and realized I had to leave for work soon. You seemed sad when I said that but I hadn't explain to you that I had to work.

I didn't explain a lot to you Felix, that's why I'm doing all this now. I understand now that I didn't share enough with you and you aren't a mind reader.

I know writing all this out won't bring you back but I'm hoping it will help me understand why you left.

We climbed out of my bed and headed to my kitchen. I made you some toast and watched you eat. I wasn't hungry, I normally didn't eat for at least an hour after I woke up.

As you ate I watched as you looked around my messy apartment. At one point you made a comment on the fact that I lived alone.

I remember shrugging before speaking.

_"You stay alone, people don't care."_


	24. Chapter 24

When you went to leave you asked if you could see each other again soon.

I told you I was available the next night. You seemed over the moon. I'm not sure if it was because I agreed to see you again or because it was so soon.

All throughout my day at work that day I was thinking about you, Felix. More importantly, why I was allowing myself to get so close to you? What it was about you made me feel so comfortable with you?

I couldn't find the answer that day. I'm still not sure how to answer those questions. Did you ever ask yourself questions like that Felix?

When I came home from work that day I decided to clean my apartment. I honestly rarely did that and this time I was doing it for you. I wanted it to be clean for you. I'm not sure why.

When you called me on the phone that night, I had spent about five hours cleaning and my apartment barely looked any different.

We talked for awhile that night and eventually, you asked the question I was waiting for. You asked how I was feeling.

I told you I didn't know because that was honestly the truth.

You asked for me to think about it so I did. I thought for awhile and in the end, I only came up with a simple answer.

_"It's like I'm sad all the time."_


	25. Chapter 25

When you came over the next night, the first thing you said was a comment on how I'd cleaned. I was surprised because I thought my apartment looked pretty much the same.

We sat on the couch and made small talk for a while. It felt really awkward. Then you said we should play a game and suggested 21 questions.

I agreed, thinking there could be no harm in playing. We started off with simple questions. Favourite colour, favourite food, music taste, and simple things like that.

We started more personal questions like if we were in a relationship and what our sexual orientations were. We found out we were both single and gay. I could tell you were happy about this and I know I didn't show it but I was happy as well.

The questions kept getting more personal. We asked about my parents I gave a vague answer that they didn't live in the city. I asked about the accident you had mentioned before. You gave a vague answer that it is a car accident involving your family.

I suddenly wondered if you were in Korea and living with your grandfather because the rest of your family was dead. I knew I couldn't ask though. I knew you wouldn't have given me an answer.

Finally, we made it to the final question. I thought for awhile before finding the right question to ask.

_"Are you alive or just existing?"_


	26. Chapter 26

You were quiet for awhile before admitting that you didn't know. Then you asked if I had an answer to that question and I shook my head.

Honestly Felix, I did have an answer to that question. It was just to awkward to tell you. Though, I'll explain it to you now.

Before I met you, I would have easily said that I was just existing but when I was with you Felix, you changed that. You made me feel alive. Like I had a purpose to my life, like I could do something with my life.

I don't know what it is that made me feel that way but I loved it. Then, when you suddenly left, all I could feel was that emptiness of simply existing again.

Those were our last questions so it was quiet for awhile. I could tell you found it a bit awkward so I told you to talk.

You asked what about and I told you anything. That I just liked hearing your voice, no matter what it was saying.

I realize now there are certain things I hate hearing your voice say. Even if you never said bad things to me, I imagined the type of reasons you would give me if you came back and explained why you left. I'm sure you can imagine that none of the reasons were good.

You talked for awhile about different things. You let your mind wander and you talked about whatever came to mind.

After some time you commented on the fact I didn't talk much. I nodded because many people had told me that.

It was the biggest reason I didn't have many friends. However, I wanted to keep you as my friend so I decided to speak.

_"I wonder how long it would take anyone to notice if I just stopped talking."_


	27. Chapter 27

You told me you'd notice in a day because you'd notice if I didn't talk at all during our phone calls.

I smiled a little but was silent. I didn't know what to say. You were the first person to ever really care about me Felix.

I know Chan cares but it was different with you. The way you two cared about me was different and I liked your way better.

After a while of us being quiet you told me to talk. I didn't know what to talk about and you told me anything.

Just like I had said to you.

The first thing that came into my head was to tell you about my life and why I was the way I was.

I tried to tell you Felix and I think you understood what I was trying to talk about because you'd ask little questions about it later. I think you realized I was close to telling you so you kept checking if I was ready yet or not.

As you know, I was never ready.

Now you're gone and I think I'm ready to talk about it. I have no one to tell now. My thoughts are eating me alive Felix.

Please come back...

During that time, I tried to tell you but I just ended up crying.

I could tell you didn't know what to do because you started talking. Saying that I didn't need to talk and trying to get me to calm down.

I remember saying something that shocked both of us.

_"You don't understand. I just need you to hold me."_


	28. Chapter 28

You didn't hesitate to do what I asked.

You pulled onto your lap and held me so tight it was a little hard to breath but I didn't complain. It felt good.

It was then that I realized what was happening, what I was doing. It was the last thing I wanted to happen but I knew in the back of my mind that it was bound to happen if I kept hanging out with you.

Felix, I was falling in love with you.

Were you falling in with me at the time?

We ended falling asleep in that position. I woke up when my phone's alarm started going off. I was surprised it wasn't dead honestly.

I woke you up and told you I had to go to work. As we were leaving you asked if you could come back over the next night and I said okay.

It may have seemed like I didn't care about you coming over at all but I did care, a lot.

I cared so much it was scaring me Felix.

Everything about our relationship scared me and maybe you sensed that or thought I just didn't actually care about you.

Is that why you left with telling me Felix? Is that why you left without even telling me where you were going or why?

If that is the case, why did you cut contact with everyone? Chan told me he hasn't heard from you either.

I don't know what I did wrong Felix. None of us know what we did to hurt you.

When you came over that night, you asked if I wanted to talk about what had happened the night before.

I shook my head slowly before speaking.

_"Sometimes it feels better not to talk. At all."_


	29. Chapter 29

You told me that other times it's better to talk. That talking can make you feel better.

I said something I shouldn't of after that. I was anxious because I didn't want to tell you at that time. I'm sorry for saying it Felix.

I said if that was the case you should tell me about the accident that gives you nightmares. That if you needed me to tell you about myself then you should tell me about yourself.

It doesn't sound to bad when I write it out but we both know that I said in a rude way.

You nearly walked out of my apartment after I said that. I stopped you and explained that I understood you weren't ready to talk about it. I then told you to understand that I wasn't ready to talk about my problems either.

You promised you wouldn't ask about it anymore and would just wait until I was ready to tell you but we both know you broke that promise. You broke a lot promises Felix.

I'm surprised I still trusted you at all. Being honest, if you showed up at my door today I'd still trust you the same amount I did when you left.

When we sat back down in my living room you sighed. I asked what it was and you shook your head.

You said you wanted to know what happened to me. You wished I'd share with you what was on my mind.

I let out a dry laugh before I spoke to you.

_"If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears."_


	30. Chapter 30

I think you understood what I meant because you nodded and were silent.

After that you asked if we could go somewhere. I asked where but you just shrugged.

It didn't take me long to think of a place to take you. It was a place I went almost every night.

I wonder if you ever noticed I wasn't at home during some of our phone calls. Most of the time I was at home because we'd talk at two or three in the morning. Other nights, when it was closer to nine or ten, when you called I wasn't at home.

It was around eight when you asked to leave so I think you knew I wasn't at home during some of our phone calls and you were hoping I'd take you to that place.

That was exactly where I took you that night. I took you to the beach where I would walk and sit at almost every night.

It meant a lot that I took you there. Do you realize that Felix?

I had never been to that beach with anyone else before. It was my place and I took you there. It was the same vulnerability as if I told you what happened to me.

I hope you have realize now just how much trust I had in you.

When we made it to the beach we walked in silence. At one point you poked my temple, asked if I was thinking about bad things.

I chuckled and slowly shook my head at you.

_"You don't know what goes on inside my head."_


	31. Chapter 31

I said that because I wasn't thinking bad things. I was thinking about you Felix.

During those days I thought about you a lot. I think about you even more these days. If you were still in Korea (maybe you are still in Korea, I really don't know) you'd be graduating tomorrow.

Did you ever stop to think why I chose to write this when I did? I chose to write it now because one year ago today is when the first part of this letter took place. The first day we hang out and I opened up to you just a little, was exactly one year ago.

We only actually knew each other for about two months though. You left at the end of that summer and you've been gone ever sense.

Did you go back to school is Australia (Chan told me that's where you came from so I assume that's where you went but I can't be sure) and were to afraid to tell me you were leaving?

Please Felix, I want to understand why you left...

As we continued walking the beach we came across a teenage girl by herself playing in the waves.

Despite being by herself, she seemed so happy. Like she had never felt sadness in her life and was always able to look of bright side of situations.

She was alone on a beach but she was still able to enjoy herself. All the times I had come to the beach, I had never been able to act that sort of way.

_"Look, she doesn't have any feelings."_

**"Lucky her."**


	32. Chapter 32

I feel that you were thinking similar things I was when you saw the girl. That's why I decided you should just keep walking.

It didn't take long to reach where I wanted to go. We walked up the side of a large hill and your mouth hung open when you saw the view from the cliff.

It was where I liked to sit and watch the sky change colours and waves crash into the rocks at the base of the cliff.

I think I should tell you Felix. Before I met you, I had considered jumping off that cliff many times. I don't think I actually would have though. It was simply a nice thought to know I could end it easily right there if it ever got to much for me to handle.

After I met you, even when I went there alone, I didn't think about jumping.

I've gone back there once after I realized you were gone for good. I thought about jumping again so I haven't gone back since.

Dying now might mean I'll never see you again Felix. I might never see you again as it is but I still have a small sliver of hope that stops me from jumping.

We both sat down and stayed quiet. I wanted to talk to you through so I actually started the conversation this time.

_"Every night, I come to the same place and wait until the sky catches up with my mood."_


	33. Chapter 33

You asked what my mood was.

I thought of so many answers. Sadness, loneliness, feelings of abandonment, but I only shared one with you.

Emptiness

That was my mood most days. I felt an abundance of emptiness. Like I felt absolutely nothing. I know I have emotions but most times I can't figure out what they are and I end up almost feeling nothing.

To this day, I still think emptiness is the best way to describe how I'm feeling.

However, you didn't seem to understand what the word meant. I told you how to write it and you wrote in your phone so you could have Chan explain it to you later.

You never told me if he did or not. Maybe after you learned what the word meant you felt to bad for me to say anything.

I hope that wasn't the case. I don't need you to feel bad for me Felix.

At least, I didn't want you to feel bad for me at the time. I think now I'd be okay with you feeling bad for me. I want you to be feel bad for something.

Why else would I be writing this with the intention of you reading it? I want you to feel bad for how you made my life better before making it worse than it was to start with.

After my attempt to explain emptiness to you I explained how I wished I could understand my emotions.

You explained to me that you understood your emotions but wished they would change.

We went back and forth telling each other our wishes.

One that stuck out to me was that you wished to see your family healthy again. When you said that I remembered the accident you had mentioned before and I became super worried. I knew I couldn't ask though.

Can I ask now? What happened to your family in that accident Felix?

I surprised myself when I said that I wished for my family to care about me.

I could tell you wanted to ask questions just like I did about your statement but, just like me as well, you knew you couldn't.

I smiled as I looked out at the sky that was starting to slowly change colour.

_"Paint me a wish on a velvet sky."_


	34. Chapter 34

After it got dark I asked if you were spending the night at my apartment again.

You looked sad so before you even spoke I knew your answer. You explained that your grandfather wanted you at home that night and that you didn't feel like sneaking out.

I was also upset that you wouldn't be spending the night with me. I was starting to enjoy cuddling with you while we fell asleep.

When I got home that night, I cried.

I cried because I knew that I starting to depend on you. You were the only person to make me happy. I felt like I needed to be beside you at all times but I also knew I couldn't have what I wanted.

I'm honestly starting to wish I stopped talking to you when I realized those things. I'd hurt a lot less right now.

When I left my apartment the next morning I was exhausted. Now that I knew what proper sleep felt like, barely sleeping made me even more tired than before.

As I made my way to work I started thinking about how I wanted to cuddle and fall asleep with you again.

As I realized what I was thinking I sighed and looked up at the overcast sky that made it look like it'd rain at any second.

_"What a perfect day for crying."_


	35. Chapter 35

I felt relieved when you called me that night. A part of me was always afraid you'd just stop calling.

You realize my fear came true, right Felix?

We talked for awhile. It was one of our early calls so you asked if I was at the beach. I told you I'd be leaving soon and asked if you wanted to come with me.

You were silent for awhile so I knew the answer was no. You said your grandfather had caught you sneaking out the other night and that you weren't going to be allowed out for awhile.

We talked while I drove to the beach and continued to talk while the sun set. You told me you were watching the sun from your bedroom window so it was almost like we were together.

At one point you said you had a question for me. You asked if I liked living alone.

It was a tough question to answer so I thought for awhile before answering.

_"I love being alone, but I hate feeling alone."_


	36. Chapter 36

You told me you might have to live alone and that you hated being alone. You told me you were afraid.

I'm not sure if you were saying you were afraid of being alone or afraid of why you might have to be alone.

I told you to come live with me. You laughed at that and your laugh made me laugh as well. In the end you said you would come live with me.

Why didn't you Felix? Why did you leave instead?

I have no one to ask anymore. Your grandfather refused to talk to me at first and then suddenly his house was for sale. Did he move to wherever you are?

I told you that you didn't have to be afraid if you came to live with me because I'd keep your nightmares anyway while you slept.

You were quiet for awhile so I thought I had said something wrong but then you spoke in a very quiet voice.

**"But sometimes... nightmares are real."**


	37. Chapter 37

I asked when you would be able to hang out again because, to be quite honest Felix, I was really afraid for you in that moment.

You said tomorrow and I asked about you grandfather. You said you didn't care that you'd find a way to sneak out.

I told you I wasn't available until the evening because I had work. You said that was perfect.

I was confused on what made meeting in the evening perfect.

You explained to me your grandfather was going out tomorrow evening and you were wanting to go to the beach with me again.

I smiled when you said that. I was glad you liked the beach. When I showed it to you I was afraid you'd not like or think I was weird for always going there.

After I said that we could go to the beach you asked if I could bring some weed with me. I asked why and your answer kind of broke my heart.

**"I thought it might be nice... to have some time to not think."**


	38. Chapter 38

The next night I picked you up a couple streets over from where you lived. You said your grandfather hadn't left yet and you didn't want him to see my car.

I told you I could pick you up after he left but you said you wanted to make sure we were at the beach before sunset.

When you made it to my car I could tell you had been running. Once you were in my car you told me to drive, that you were pretty sure your grandfather saw you.

As I started my car and began driving away, a middle aged man came into view. He was slowly running down the sidewalk yelling the name Yongbok.

As I quickly drove away from him I remember looking at you and you had a sour expression on your face. You explained, with a tone that made me realize just how sour you were about the name, that Yongbok was your Korean name your grandfather gave you.

The rest of the ride to the beach was filled with you complaining about your Korean name as well as your grandfather in general.

Once we made it to the beach and up the hill you asked about the weed. I really didn't want you to smoke any so I told you to wait until later.

You obviously wanted to protest but you didn't. Instead you looked out to the water and stayed silent.

I stayed silent for awhile as well. Eventually I found the courage to ask why you acted a different way with me.

You explained that the bright and happy Felix was a mask. You didn't want anyone else but me to see what was behind the mask.

I decided to ask what exactly was behind the mask. You were quiet for a moment.

**"Behind the masks, faces suffer loneliness."**


	39. Chapter 39

You spent the night at my house after that. You said you were to scared to go home to your grandfather and I understood why.

I made you call the house phone though and leave a message saying you were alright. I didn't want your grandfather to be worried you were kidnapped or something.

We fell asleep in each other arms on my couch that night. I woke up the next morning with a smile on my face but it soon disappeared when I saw the face of Chan leaning over me.

I had forgotten I was suppose to meet with Chan and Jisung that day. I had given Chan my spare keys in case anything ever happened to me. Though he often used them to get into my apartment in order to drag me out of it.

I slowly got off the couch so I would wake you, I knew you needed your sleep, and Chan dragged me to my bedroom to start grilling me with questions. I barely answered them because I couldn't.

He asked if there was something going on between us and what our relationship was. I couldn't answer them because I didn't know the answer.

What was our relationship Felix? I've realized that I fell in love with you but did you ever feel the same?

I bet you didn't because if you loved me, you would have called me by now.

I woke you up and you said you still didn't want to go home so you followed Chan, Jisung, and I to the cafe we always went to when we wrote lyrics.

I stayed quiet some of the time, which wasn't anything new to Chan and Jisung but I could tell you were concerned about my lack of speak. I guess you started getting used to me being more talkative around you.

The only words I spoke besides one word answer to your questions were the occasional lyric ideas I shared.

There still one idea I shared that day that I haven't used but want to one day because they are fitting words to describe my life.

_"Intoxicated with madness_   
_I'm in love with my sadness"_


	40. Chapter 40

After we decided we were finished writing for the day, you suggested we take a walk in the nearby park to get fresh air and sunlight.

Chan and Jisung liked the idea and you seemed happy about it as well so I agreed despite hating the sun. I also wondered if you were actually happy or just acting like you were.

Ever since I realized you were acting most of the time, it was hard for me to tell when you were actually happy. You acted so well I barely noticed the difference sometimes.

I hope your truly happy now Felix.

We would have walked in silence if it wasn't for Jisung. He had always been talkative and kept a conversation going well.

After we had walked for awhile I noticed you and Chan started walking a little slower. Jisung kept talking, even though he knew I wouldn't talk much with him.

I actually wasn't listening to Jisung at all at that point. I was trying to hear what you and Chan were talking about. I couldn't hear much. Just a word here and there. I heard my name a few times.

What were you guys talking about? I'm confused because I did hear one thing Chan said that day that I still think about today.

**"You save everyone, but who saves you?"**


	41. Chapter 41

After you and I parted ways with Chan and Jisung, we headed for the beach.

It was earlier than normal but we agreed that spending time on the beach in the summer fun who be good for us.

When we made it to the beach and walked along the shoreline. I watched the children and dogs playing in the water and it made me smile.

You commented that you'd never seen me smile like that before. It was because of you Felix that I was able to smile like that. Having a person in my life that I felt close to changed me.

Now your gone and I'm back to like I was before. I can't smile like that when I walk on the beach now. It's because you're no longer with me.

We started joking around a bit and when you teased me for something I threatened to shove you in the water.

I remember your response clearly. You said it with a smile.

**"But a real friend wouldn't do that."**


	42. Chapter 42

I felt so happy after you said that. You actually thought of us as friends.

I didn't shove you as way to show that I also thought of us as friends. I assumed it worked because you had a giant smile on your face.

We continued to walk and fool around with each other until it started to get dark. Then we climbed up the hill and sat on the top to watch the sun set as we had done so many times before.

This time felt different to me though. Even though I couldn't pin point one thing that was different about what we were doing, it didn't feel the same. In a good way though. It felt as if you were closer to me. I guess it was because I knew you were my friend now.

That evening I drove you home, saying the you needed to face your grandfather at some point. Then I went home myself. I had a smile on my face the whole time I was driving.

When I entered my apartment, my smile fell because I realized that nothing in my life had actually changed.

I reminded myself of something that night that I seemed to have forgotten.

_"Don't look back,_   
_You're all alone."_


	43. Chapter 43

The next night you called me on the phone like always but I didn't talk much.

You must have noticed because you asked if something was wrong. I said it was nothing but obviously that was a lie.

To tell you the truth Felix, everything was wrong.

I wanted to allow myself to be friends with you and maybe even love you but I also kept telling myself that you'd leave like everyone else.

Guess I was right.

In that moment, on the phone, everything was quiet and I thought about my life and how it might be nice to have someone love me. Then I realized that you'd probably never like me the way I like you.

I sighed and you asked what was on my mind.

I didn't tell you the exact truth, but the topic on my mind.

_"Maybe I'm just too fucking complicated for anyone to love me."_


	44. Chapter 44

The next thing out of your mouth surprised me and scared the hell out of me at the same time.

You said no, because you loved me.

I didn't know how to respond to that so I simply rung up the phone.

I know now that that was the worst way to react but I couldn't do anything besides that in the moment.

I expected you to call me back right away, but you didn't.

You didn't call me for days.

Eventually, I figured you were gone for good. I expected it but it still hurt me.

However, one day I came home from work and you were sitting outside my apartment.

It was obvious to me that you had been crying, a lot, and it hurt me even more because I realized I was the one who caused you to cry so much.

When you noticed me, the first words out of your mouth made my heart shatter.

**"Do you hate me?"**


	45. Chapter 45

I pulled you into my apartment and explained quickly that I did not hate you. Simply that I was scared.

That was the most honest I've been about my feelings to anyone Felix. Please know that in the end, you were the person I trusted the most.

I told you that I was pretty sure I liked you too but I was scared you'd leave like everyone else. I was surprised at myself that I actually told you that.

You said you wouldn't leave and I believed you.

Why the fuck did I ever believe you...?

That night you stayed over and I kissed you and you kissed me back.

I thought I was in heaven.

You told me about what happened have I rung up the phone on you that night. You explained that you thought I must have been homophobic or something.

I laughed because that was very far from the truth.

You said something that night that I remember very clearly because, although I didn't know I would at the time, I ended up relating heavily to the statement.

**"I couldn't even leave my room, I was so sad."**


	46. Chapter 46

If that night was heaven, the weeks to follow were hell.

I didn't hear anything from you after you left my apartment the next morning.

No calls.

No texts.

Nothing.

I went you grandfather's and knocked on the door. I knew he probably wouldn't like me because I'd been the person you snuck out with before but I was not expecting the reaction I got.

He screamed at me. Told my everything was my fault. Wished you had never met me.

I didn't understand so I just ran, got in my car, and left.

I didn't go back to the house for awhile because I figured you weren't there and even if you were, I would not be seeing you.

Eventually, the house went up for sale and I knew you were gone for good but that happened awhile after though.

After I left your grandfather's I sent you one more text, hoping I could get you to reply.

_"But even if I fall in love again with someone new_   
_it could never be the way I loved you."_


	47. Chapter 47

I didn't really leave my apartment for anything but work for awhile.

Chan came periodically to bring me groceries and such. He also tried to get me out of the apartment a lot but he couldn't for the first while.

I felt defeated.

I knew you'd leave me like everyone but I believed you when you said you wouldn't. Like a fucking idiot, I believed you!

What was our whole relationship to you Felix? A fucking joke!

The day after I tell you my honest feelings, you up and leave.

Getting angry isn't the point of this. The point is that I didn't leave my apartment much.

One day when Chan was over I fell asleep on the couch while he was doing homework.

I dreamed about you Felix. I dreamed about you a lot. They were nice dreams but reality made them suck.

When I woke up, I was frowning because, like always, I realized my dreams were just that. Dreams. You were no where to be found.

Chan asked me what was wrong and I explained that I dreamed about you before adding the reason I was frowning.

_"But it was only just a dream."_


	48. Chapter 48

Chan started to come over a lot more often. He started bringing people with him too.

I usually hated people in my apartment but I didn't care at that point.

One day while Chan and 5 other people, that I didn't care to learn the names of, were in my apartment, I said something that made them all start to worry about me.

_"You don't need water to feel like you're drowning, do you?"_


	49. Chapter 49

Chan started coming even more often after I said that.

I think it was to the point that every minute of free time he had was spent at my apartment.

He practicality lived here honestly.

I actually started to enjoy his company though. It was nice to have someone there to help me get my mind off of you.

One day Chan asked me how I was feeling and I simply answered that I was in pain.

He asked me where the pain was and it wasn't hard to answer.

_"The pain is everywhere."_


	50. Chapter 50

After I told Chan that he pretty much had someone in my apartment at all times.

I didn't understand what the big deal was at the time. Chan has explained to me since then that he was afraid of what I was going to do. He thought I was going to hurt myself.

I wasn't at the time but I glad he cared enough to look out for me.

One day I woke up to see a boy, whose name I learned later to be Hyunjin, sitting on my chair in my living room.

He asked me how it was going and I sighed before answering.

_"Reality continues to ruin my life."_


	51. Chapter 51

Chan asked me how I was liking everyone.

I guessed he was referring to the random guys he kept having show up to my apartment.

I explained that some of them I liked but other not so much.

Some were nosy and talkative, like Jisung. While others were quieter, like Hyunjin.

I remember seeing Hyunjin in school and him being loud and talkative (not as much as Jisung but no one is as loud and talkative as Jisung) but when he was in my apartment he was quiet a lot.

He was like you in a way Felix.

He learned that I wouldn't answer a lot of questions at once so he asked them with space in between.

That's why one day when he asked how I was feeling, I answered truthfully.

_"My head is a mess."_


	52. Chapter 52

Hyunjin started hanging around more often after that.

Majority of the time it was either him or Chan in my apartment.

Sometimes both and on a certain day a few weeks after you left, that's how it was, both of them there.

They were talking among themselves while I stared and the wall and thought about you.

That's what I did most days honestly. That or fall asleep and dream about you.

Chan got my attention and asked a question but I don't remember what it was because I didn't answer it.

I simply said,

_"I'm lost inside my head."_


	53. Chapter 53

A few weeks after you left, I started to try and figure out what could have happened and where you could have went.

It was stupid to try because I was never going to figure it out.

I started when I was alone and by the time Hyunjin came into my apartment I had papers all over the living room.

He asked me what I was doing but I didn't answer him. I just kept writing ideas and grabbing other papers to see if anything was matching up.

After a few moments of watching me do that, Hyunjin came over to me and grabbed my hands to stop me from writing.

When he did, I came to the realization of what I had done for the past hour or so.

Hyunjin didn't say anything and just looked at me. When I looked into his eyes I saw pure concern and nothing else.

I started crying as I spoke to him.

_"I'm going insane."_


	54. Chapter 54

Chan said I should go and talk to someone professional about what happened but at first I refused.

I knew it would be smart for me to go but I couldn't bring myself to admit I couldn't deal with things on my own.

I know that probably sounds weird. I could admit I was going insane but not that I needed to talk to someone about it. That's just how I was at the time though.

My mind was getting darker and darker with each day that passed. I was back to not having a purpose in my life. I was just living each day as it came.

Which felt even stranger when school started again because I choose not to go to university and collage. I spent most days alone because of this.

I could tell both Chan and Hyunjin didn't want to leave me alone but there's was nothing they could do. They both had to go back to school.

I assured them I'd be fine on my own but we all knew this was a lie.

Even before I met you, Felix, I was never fine when I was alone.

One day it started raining heavily and I decided it was a good day to go for a walk. Mostly because if I went out while it was raining, it'd be dark and there would also be very few other people.

I walked around in the rain and started thinking about you. I cried while walking through the streets, thinking of all the nice memories I made with you.

I made it to a section of road with no people or building, just woods on either side.

So I screamed.

I screamed until my throat felt like it was bleeding.

Then I sat on the sidewalk and cried the hardest I had in my entire like.

_"Why did you leave..."_


	55. Chapter 55

I continued to cried as I watched the cars pass me.

The people in the car were probably wondering what I was wrong with me.

I just sitting in the sidewalk, completely soaked and sobbing. Who knows if they could even tell that I was crying from the amount of rain droplets running down my face.

As I watched the cars and trucks speeding pass me, I realized how easy it could be to end it all there. Just like on the cliff. One extra step and it'd be all over.

I saw a truck coming towards me and that was it.

_"I don't belong here."_


	56. Chapter 56

Obviously I'm not dead so I didn't make the choice to step in front of a truck.

Only because Hyunjin showed up in his car to drag me home.

I think it's thanks to Hyunjin that I didn't completely disappear.

A few months after you left, the two of us started dating. I didn't feel for him the same way I felt for you but I felt enough to agree.

However, early on we knew it wouldn't last because of something I said. It made us both realize I wasn't completely over you.

_"I don't want to lose you again."_

_**That's the end of this Felix. That's how you affected my life.** _

_**Maybe someday I'll know where you are and I can send this to you so you can read it.** _

_**If you're even still alive (which I really hope you were).** _

_**I hope you see you again.** _

_**I still love you Felix.** _

_**~Changbin** _


	57. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This epilogue is written in the present setting and it is to wrap everything up and answer questions. Hope you enjoyed reading this. :)  
> Also, heads up, it's much longer compared to all the other chapters (around 4,000 words) so prepare yourself for that.

Changbin woke up the next morning to a knock on the door. He assumed it was Chan so he stayed in bed, assuming Chan would let himself in.

However, the knocking didn't stop. Changbin pulled himself out of bed and headed for the door.

"Did you lose your key or something?" Changbin said as he opened the door to relieve a middle-aged woman. "Who are you?"

"Are you Seo Changbin?" The woman asked and Changbin nodded. "Can I come in?"

Changbin didn't feel this woman was a murderer and even if she was, he didn't care, so he stepped aside to let her into his apartment. They sat on Changbin's couch before the woman started talking.

"I'm Mrs. Lee, Felix's mother." She spoke and Changbin was too shocked to voice any of the one hundred questions that ran through his head. "I'm sure you're very confused right now so I'll explain what happened and hopefully it will answer all your questions. There was an accident about two years ago. Felix's father and sister were on life support, I was in need of long hospitalization, but Felix's spine injury healed faster than expected. Felix wanted to go back to school but I was still in the hospital. Thus he came to live with his grandfather here is Korea. The plan was he'd come back after being here a year. As you know, it didn't exactly happen that way."

Changbin stayed quiet while she continued explaining.

"I don't think Felix ever contacted you after he left, did he?" She asked and Changbin shook his head. "I'll explain everything then. Felix was in another accident. According to his grandfather, Felix had a habit of sneaking out of his bedroom window. Well, he was trying to do that but must have fallen. His grandfather found him the next morning. Felix said he couldn't move his legs. He re-injured his back and he's now paralyzed from the waist down. Felix came back to Australia so I could care for him where I was no longer in the hospital. Now, the reason I'm here. We stopped Felix's father's life support a year after the accident but decided to wait until the summer to have the funeral here in Korea. That's why I'm here. Felix told me this was the first place we had to go when we landed this morning."

Changbin took a moment to take everything in. "Wait, Felix is here? As in, in Korea? Right now?"

Felix's mother laughed. "Yes, you're building doesn't have an elevator so he waiting in the car."

Changbin ran out of his apartment, not caring he was in his pajamas and didn't have shoes on. He ran outside and, with very little looking, found Felix sitting in the front seat of a silver minivan. Changbin ran to the van, threw the door open, and hugged Felix as if his life depended on it.

"You did still live here," Felix whispered and hugged the older boy back. "I was so worried you would move and I'd never find you again."

"You were worried!" Changbin yelled pulling back from their hug. "You at least knew what country and city I would be in! I knew nothing! At times I thought you were dead!"

"At times I wished that I was dead," Felix whispered but the older boy heard it and softened a bit. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything to anyone. I didn't want anyone to see me like this."

"Why?" Changbin asked but didn't give the younger a chance to answer. "You can't walk, so what? It's not the end of the world."

"I know that now," Felix said, looking at his lap. "At first I was ashamed and thought no one would want anything to do with me. That's why I went back to Australia without saying anything to anyone. I'm sorry."

Changbin wanted to stay angry but knew he couldn't. "Well, you're back now and that's all that really matters, isn't it?"

Felix nodded, looking up again and noticed someone. "Is that Chan hyung?"

Changbin turned and saw Chan fiddling with his keys at the front door. Changbin ran up to him, where he had headphones on, and grabbed his arm.

When Chan saw Changbin outside he was surprised. He was even more shocked when he saw that he was in pajamas and had no shoes on.

"Changbin what's wrong?" Chan asked, worried his friend's mental state had gone south again. "Did something happen?"

"Yes, but it's a good thing," Changbin said, dragging the still concerned boy towards the minivan. "Just come here."

As Chan followed Changbin, he looked up and finally saw Felix sitting in the van. He completely stopped walked and stood still for a few moments before dropping the grocery bags he was holding and running to the van to hug Felix.

"You're alive," Chan said and he hugged his once best friend. "Oh my god, you're still alive."

"Yeah, I am," Felix said, feeling his eyes fill with tears as he looked towards his two friends.

"Why are you down here?" Chan said, not knowing what had happened. "Let's go up to the apartment."

"We can't," Felix said, looking at his lap again. "It's a long story hyung but I can't walk anymore."

"Oh, I'll just carry you up the stairs then," Chan said in a happy voice that surprised Felix. "Can you get on my back or should I carry you like you're my bride?"

Both Changbin and Felix laughed before Felix explained he'd have to be carried like a bride and then all three boys laughed some more.

Chan grabbed Felix and Changbin grabbed the groceries off the ground and all three boys headed up the stairs to Changbin's third-floor apartment.

Felix explained the story of what happened to Chan on the way up. Adding a few details Changbin didn't know.

"I've been slowly getting some feeling back in my legs but it wouldn't be enough to hold them around someone," Felix explained. "Even if I can manage to get all feeling back, the doctors say I'll never walk again. There's to much damage to my spine that walking would be too painful."

"That sucks," Chan said, not entirely sure how to respond.

Felix shrugged. "It's my own fault. I knew this could happen if I ever injured my back again and yet I still climbed in and out of my second story bedroom window all the time."

By now, they were entering Changbin's apartment and Felix's mother was shocked to see Felix with the two boys.

Chan put Felix down before taking the groceries from Changbin and putting them away in the cupboards. Changbin left to get changed.

Just as he was about to leave his room, a stack of papers caught his eye. It was everything he wrote the night before. He grabbed the papers and headed out to the living room.

He saw Chan on the phone with someone and Felix's mother appeared to be gone. Felix explained she was going to bring his wheelchair to the apartment before leaving. Changbin nodded before trying to figure out who Chan was talking to. When we heard an 'I love you' he knew it was Woojin.

Changbin sat on the couch beside Felix and handed him the papers.

"I sort of wrote out my feelings last night," Changbin explained. "You don't need to read it now."

However, it was too late. Felix had already started reading the first one. Chan came to sit down but before he could Changbin grabbed him and dragged him back out to the kitchen. Changbin explained what Felix was reading and Chan said he'd stay in the kitchen and make some food for when everyone got there.

Apparently, Chan's phone call to his boyfriend was to get everyone rounded up to Changbin's place. Changbin sighed, wanting it to be just him and Felix but also knew the younger would really enjoy seeing everyone again so he didn't object to it.

When Changbin made it back to the couch, Felix was almost halfway through the stack of papers. By the time Felix finished, he was crying.

"I'm sorry hyung." Felix cried and Changbin quickly started wiping away the younger's tears. "I'm so sorry I did that to you."

"Stop crying, Felix," Changbin said, pulling the younger's head to his own shoulder. "I didn't mean for you to cry."

It took a while but Felix calmed down.

"Can I ask you some questions?" Felix said as he lifted his head from the elder's shoulder. "About everything?"

Changbin nodded. "I have some questions for you too but you can go first."

Felix took a deep breath before speaking. "You're not dating Hyunjin anymore, right?"

Changbin laughed, not expecting that to be the first question. "No, we were only dating for a couple months. He's dating Seungmin now. He's happy and I'm happy for him."

Felix nodded before telling Changbin to ask his question. Changbin thought about what his first question should be for a moment.

"Where were you going that night?" Changbin asked, knowing him and Felix had no plans to meet up. "I know I shouldn't but I feel a little jealous knowing it wasn't me."

"I wasn't actually leaving when I fell. I was coming back." Felix began explaining. "The last night we saw each other, I wasn't supposed to be out but I had to see you and know you didn't hate me. I had to sneak back in and that's how I fell."

Changbin sighed as he came to the realization of something. "I drove you home that day. If I had just waited for you to make it inside."

"Nothing would have changed. The second my hands let go of the window I was done." Felix explained sadly. "You finding me seconds after or my grandfather finding me the next morning would have made no difference."

Changbin nodded and waited for the younger to ask his next question and started laughing when he realized Felix wasn't going to ask a question.

"You don't need to do that anymore," Changbin told the younger, who just looked more confused. "The waiting between asking me questions. My therapist broke me of that habit."

Felix nodded, realizing just how much had changed. The two shared a few more question before Felix finally asked the question both were too afraid to ask at first.

"Hyung," Felix started. "Do you really still love me?"

Changbin was silent while he thought. He thought about all the happiness Felix gave but then all the heartbreak and now, with the boy right in front of him again, he didn't know how to feel.

"I don't know Felix." The elder sighed, tears filling his eyes. "Leaving the way you did hurt me so much."

Felix was quick to reassure his hyung. "I won't leave like that again, I promise."

"You promised you wouldn't leave in the beginning," Changbin said, a tear falling from his eye. "You knew as soon as you said it was a lie because, according to your mother, you knew were going to be leaving after being here a year."

"I was going to beg to stay," Felix explained, a few tears leaving his eyes as well. "I really was, before I hurt myself."

"Still, there was no guarantee you would be staying and yet you told me you would be," Changbin explained, reaching out to put his hand on Felix's arm. "You need to understand that I was in a dark place last year and that was exact opposite of what you should have done. That's why I wrote everything down like this. I wanted you to see what your broken promise did to me. I am doing better now compared to then and I may still love you in my heart but my brain is telling me to be cautious around you. I don't want to get hurt by you again."

Both boys had tears running down their faces when Chan walked in with a mug of coffee.

"Oh sorry." He said as he set the mug in front of Changbin and both younger boys wiped their faces. "I just figured you hadn't had any coffee yet."

Changbin nodded and thanked his hyung before looking back to Felix. "I just need time to think, okay?"

Felix nodded, trying not to cry more, feeling he had messed everything up.

"Um, Changbin," Chan said, still standing awkwardly in front of his two friends. "Woojin's going to be here really soon so if you want to smoke, you should go do it now."

Changbin nodded, not saying anything while grabbing his jacket, that had his cigarettes and lighter in it, off the chair by his balcony before heading outside.

Once the door was closed Felix looked up to Chan. "He still smokes?"

Chan sighed and nodded. "While he was dating Hyunjin, Hyunjin managed to get him to quit but not long after they broke up I found butts in the ashtray again. We've managed to get him to stop smoking weed but he won't quit the cigarettes."

Felix nodded sadly, not liking the idea of his hyung still doing things that hurt him.

Just then the door opened and Woojin came into the apartment with Felix's wheelchair. He quickly explained he found Felix's mother on the second floor with it, having issues getting it up the stairs, so Woojin took it and Felix's mother said she'd be back later to pick Felix up. After Woojin finished explaining, he and Chan shared a quick kiss before Woojin put the wheelchair beside Felix and gave the younger a quick hug. Changbin came back inside just as Woojin was heading back towards Chan and the kitchen.

"You smell like a cigarette," Woojin commented. "It's gross."

"You're not going to die from simply smelling it so calm down," Changbin said, a little too bitterly. "Sorry, it's been quite a morning."

Woojin nodded, understanding Changbin was under a bit of stress. Changbin began following Woojin to the kitchen to ask Chan a question but was stopped when Hyunjin came racing into the apartment and straight up to Changbin, grabbing the elder by the shoulders.

"Are you okay?" Hyunjin asked quickly, already sounding out of breath. "What happened? Did you hurt yourself? Did you try to step into traffic again?"

"Nothing happened to me calm down!" Changbin yelled to get the younger boy's attention, who looked very confused. "Something happened but not to me."

Changbin pointed into his living room and as Hyunjin followed Changbin's finger his eyes went wide. After the initial moment of shock, Hyunjin went racing to Felix and gave his friend a huge hug. By the time Hyunjin let him go, Seungmin had made it into the apartment. Felix made grabby hands at Seungmin for a hug and he happily gave it. It didn't take long for Seungmin to question the wheelchair and Felix said he'd explain when everyone else arrived.

Not long after Hyunjin and Seungmin had shown up, Jisung came running into the apartment. pulling Minho behind him. Jisung ran to Changbin, asking the elder if he was okay just as Jeongin came into the apartment behind the couple.

"Why is everyone assuming just because Chan hyung said something happened that I'm somehow not okay?" Changbin asked in an annoyed tone, making everyone laugh. "I am completely okay, it's because of him that something has happened."

Changbin pointed to Felix and both Jisung and Jeongin started freaking out at the sight of their old friend. After Jisung and Jeongin hugged Felix and calmed down everyone settled into the living room. Felix then explained to everyone exactly what had happened and where he had been this whole time. No one cared that Felix could no longer walk and everyone was just happy to have him back in their lives. The nine boys enjoyed their afternoon with each other, laughing and enjoying themselves as if nothing had changed.

After many hours, Changbin was getting annoyed by everyone in his apartment and also by the fact he couldn't smoke with Woojin there. A couple people realized that this was happening. Chan knew he had to get everyone to leave before Changbin's mood got worse but he could see how everyone besides him was still having so much fun and would feel bad making them all leave. However, the other person who noticed Changbin's mood change was Felix.

Felix called Changbin over to him and pulled the elder into his lap. By simply doing that you could tell Changbin mood became slightly better. Felix held his hyung close to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around his waist. No one in the room thought anything about the two but were happy to see there wasn't any tension between the two.

After a few minutes of Changbin sitting there, the younger whispered into his ear, "I can feel you." Changbin looked back, clearly confused and the younger giggled. "On my legs. You're heavy enough that I can kind of feel you."

Changbin smiled because he could tell this fact made Felix happy and he was happy he could do that for the younger.

"Can I ask you a question?" Felix asked quietly and Changbin nodded for him to continue. "I get it if you still don't want to answer it but, what happened to you when you were younger?"

Changbin laughed a bit and Felix was a bit startled. "Later, okay? If I'm going to talk about that, I need a cigarette."

Felix nodded in understanding and the afternoon continued. After a little while longer, Chan realized everyone really did need to leave Changbin apartment so he voiced that and everyone started cleaning up, said goodbye to Felix, and one by one everyone left.

Chan was going to leave last, to make sure Changin was going to be okay alone, so when Woojin was leaving Chan followed his boyfriend to the door.

"I'll be home in an hour or so okay? I'll get the next bus." Chan said and Woojin nodded sadly. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I was hoping with Felix back you'd spent less time with Changbin but I guess not," Woojin said as he started leaving. "I'll see you at home."

"Woojin!" The younger of the two called but it was too late, the elder was already making his way down the stairs.

Chan reentered the apartment, hoping to talk to Changbin quickly and get downstairs so he could get on the same bus home with his upset boyfriend. Chan found Changbin trying to figure out a way to get Felix into the balcony. Chan told Changbin to put Felix's wheelchair out there and then he would carry the younger out but that they would be on their own for coming back in. Changbin didn't see a problem so he agreed to Chan's help. Once Felix was outside Chan pulled Changbin back inside.

"Are you going to be okay on your own tonight?" Chan asked, making the younger of the two groan. "Hey, I'm asking seriously. A lot has happened today and I don't want you getting lost inside your head again. Once was scary enough."

"I'll be fine hyung," Changbin said but Chan was not convinced. "If I start feeling weird, I'll call you."

"Okay, good," Chan said as he started putting his shoes. "Now I have to go because Woojin's mad at me."

"Remember that he's still fragile," Changbin said. "I know what that's like so be patient with him."

Chan nodded before running out the door out the door to meet his boyfriend at the bus stop. Changbin headed back out to the balcony and Felix looked concerned.

"Chan just wanted to know if I was going to be okay," Changbin explained to the younger. "He still worries about me a lot."

"I'm guessing you're going to tell me about your childhood now," Felix said and Changbin nodded. "Take as much time as you need."

"You don't mind if I smoke, right?" Changbin asked and Felix shook his head, saying he didn't mind. Halfway through his cigarette, Changbin started talking. "I was abused by my stepfather. He came into my life when I was around 8. At first, I was really happy that my mom had found someone but I soon realized he hated me. He moved in when I was 10 and within the first week he beat me to the point that I went to the hospital. I explained to my mom what happened but she didn't believe me. She thought I did it to myself because I was jealous and wanted my stepfather gone. I lied to the police and sad I fell or some shit, I don't really remember what I said but between that and my mother agreeing with my story, they believed me."

"Hyung...," Felix said sadly.

"I'm not done so just let me finish please," Changbin said and Felix nodded. "I got my first job when I was 14. It was illegal but they paid me under the table. I moved out just before I was 15. Which as also illegal but the landlord here didn't care. Before I moved out, my stepfather was still abusing me and my mother continued to believe I was getting bullied at school because that's what my stepfather told her. She acted as if she cared about me but I could tell a lot of it was fake. When I told her I was moving out she went on and on about how she loved me and didn't want me to leave. I did leave though and when I started out the door she started screaming that I was the worst child and only ever cared about myself, that I didn't love her, and that she wishes she was given a different child. A lot of what she said was true. I did only care myself and didn't love her but she gave me reasons. She didn't look out for me even against my stepfather and liked to believe she was the perfect mother and I was simply a problem child. I told her what he did to me and she told me I was lying for attention. What child would love their mother after she did that to them? I only cared about myself because no one else was going to. I did what was best for me by moving out and I don't regret it one bit. Yeah, I'm lonely and kind of a hermit but it's better than being manipulated and emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by a man who should love you and having a mother who believes everything you say and do is for attention. I may not seem happy with my life but it's better than before."

Changbin looked at Felix and saw tears running down the younger's face. "I never realized it would be that bad."

"That's why I didn't want to talk about it back then," Changbin said, standing and moving to be in front of the younger. "Come here."

Changbin leaned down to hug Felix and Felix pulled the elder into his lap, buried his face into Changbin's chest, sobbing.

"Thank you for finally telling me," Felix said once he had calmed down. "I'm glad you can still trust me."

Changbin sighed, wiping the tear lines off Felix's cheeks, debating whether he should say what's on his mind or not. In the end, he decided to say it. "Yeah, I do still trust you, Felix, as much as I may not want to admit it, and I do still love you."

Felix was shocked for a moment before more tears found their way out of his eyes. The younger buried his face his hyung's chest again mumbling something that was suppose to be an I love you too but was muffled by his sobs and Changbin's body. However, the elder knew what the younger said and was glad to have him back to his life so that he could help chase the darkness out of his head just as he had done a year ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Low key hate this ending but it's what I wrote 2 years ago so it's staying. Please consider reading the other stories in this series once they get posted!


End file.
